


I Know That I'm Damned If I Never Get Out

by stratbat



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Bonding, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Brotherly Steve Harrington & Dustin Henderson, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lesbian Robin Buckley, M/M, POV Billy Hargrove, POV Robin Buckley, POV Steve Harrington, Post-Stranger Things 2, Robin Buckley & Steve Harrington Friendship, Slow Burn, Stranger Things 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:30:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22972537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stratbat/pseuds/stratbat
Summary: Robin cautiously took a few steps back, observing the two boys from a distance. Billy hadn't even given her the slightest of interest, his sight was entirely fixed on Steve. There was a deep and dark fascination, an almost desperate desire for his attention, Robin realised with amazement. Billy's eyes followed every little movement of Steve's, studying them, scanning them, as if he were ready to attack his rival at any given chance. At the same time, it was more than that. It was more than a competition, it was more than what had happened between them that night in November. It was more than hate or anger or fear. Robin couldn't quite name it yet, but she sensed some sort of swirling unresolved tension that would eventually erupt and end very badly. For both of them.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	1. Wolf at Your Door

**Author's Note:**

> hey there :) I hope you'll be enjoying yourself reading chapter one of my (very first) Harringrove fanfiction! Please excuse my English, I'm not a native speaker so it's not always perfect but I try my best... please let me know what you thought of this beginning and I'll be back soon with more! Also, FYI there's gonna be multiple PoVs in the story, next one will be Billy...

**Robin**

"Work so hard to do what is right, believed in what you're doin',  
but so many fights, trusted too many, believed too much,  
workin' your life to the bone, there's a wolf at your door,  
he wants your money, wants your soul, a wolf at your door, you give it all, he wants more  
there's a wolf at your door, breathin' down your neck, boy, it's sure hard to sleep."

As Robin sceptically watched the catastrophe in front of her unfold she wondered once again why in the world Tammy Thompson had even paid attention to this guy in the first place. He had his few moments of decency and chivalry, sure. Like yesterday when Robin had come back to the Scoops Ahoy with some delivery and he had held the door open for her whilst cracking a stupid joke about being her knight in shining armour. Plus, he was pretty fun to be around with, which of course surprised her even more since she had always taken him for your typical dumb jock, who could never make a girl from drama class laugh. But then there was his way with girls. And this seriously astonished her. Whatever he had done, whatever stupidity he had pulled off, whatever cheap pick up line he had used, they had just fallen for it. As if he had some secret magnetism that forced all the girls within a circuit of 5 miles to hopelessly swoon over him. And to not notice anyone else.  
  
In spite of all that, Robin had slowly gotten used to Steve Harrington, hell, maybe even begun accepting him and his originally unbearable goofiness. They had both started as awkward co-workers, not knowing how to communicate with each other. Eventually, Robin had broken the ice and now they talked regularly, though not about actual important matters, at least they had a simple conversation now and then. She had since then found out, that Steve's father was a dick, who was presumably hitting it off way too well with his much younger secretary. That Steve hadn't gotten into any of the colleges he initially applied to. And that, after Nancy Wheeler had shamelessly broken his heart, he hadn't managed to score a single date because somehow he seemed to have lost his game. Though maybe his charm only worked on high-schoolers and since those horrible and insufferable years were finally over now... Though Robin had to admit that it used to be way easier back in the day when she could simply dislike Steve for being the popular guy every girl was after, she still felt sorry for him. She had never much liked Nancy Wheeler, for she thought her boring and fake, but to be honest, she had never actually hung out with Nancy out of school so it wasn't up to Robin to judge her or her behaviour towards Steve.   
  
"It's that stupid hat", she heard Steve mumbling as he turned around, sighing and looking like a helpless puppy in desperate need of some consultation. Robin shrugged, smiling softly and opening her mouth, ready to roast him for being so unsuccessful with the girls but then she decided against it. The poor guy was trying his best out there. "It's ruining my most successful feature", he continued, "Go on, go on, you can add another one to the list." Robin shook her head, replying: "Nah dingus, I'm good for today." There was a sudden wave of surprise on his face and she felt even more guilty. He hadn't expected her to be nice to him. This made her angry since he had never shown any kindness towards her the whole time they had attended high school together. But she kept quiet. She wasn't the type to lash out at someone or to be unforgiving. He didn't know any better anyways. Thus she went back to the counter. She rolled her eyes as soon as that nagging little girl Erica Sinclair came walking into the ice cream parlour, ready to order her fifteen daily samples without ever actually buying a single scoop. Robin had to hand it to her though, she was smitten. Though her ways worked better with Steve, for whom it seemed physically impossible to say "no" to any child. Robin wasn't in the mood for Erica today. Or any customers for that matter. She was bored and unchallenged. She had even started writing her version of the play her school was going to perform in autumn. Of course, her version included more female representation and a lesbian love interest but she knew her teacher would never tolerate such "folly". Or even allow one of his students to participate in the writing process and come up with some fresh ideas. Mr Linkin wasn't all too fond of his students using their brains or speaking up to him and thus threatening his authority. He hadn't picked one single play that involved more than two female characters in ages even though drama class was mostly filled with girls. Robin had thought about quitting drama more times than she cared to admit. However, she still loved acting to pieces. It was her greatest passion and she never felt as alive as she did when she was on stage. That prickling electricity that would run through her entire body, the adrenalin racing through her veins. Everything would be heightened, intensified, every muscle would be on fire, there would be goosebumps all over her. Then, nothing else mattered. As soon as she got on stage and into the spotlight, she became someone else, someone who wasn't bothered by the concept of popularity and the utter unfairness of it, someone who didn't beat themselves up about all that stupid high school crap surrounding them every single day, someone who stood true to themselves even in the midst of all that pretending and faking.   
  
"So, what are you thinking about?" Steve had joined her at the front, awkwardly adjusting his hat mumbling something indistinctively. "School", she sighed, "the upcoming play." Steve frowned. "Wow, why though? School's such a bland topic to waste a thought on." Robin nodded absently. "Real talk", Steve continued with a teasing smile, "do you even know what fun is?" Robin rolled her eyes and glared at him, annoyed. "Shut up, dingus. We're not all like you." Steve blinked and she could see the confusion in his eyes. But there was something else there as well. He was hurt. Sometimes she was completely taken aback by how sensitive he could be. "I mean", she began, trying to put it as politely as possible, "not everyone equals fun with parties and booze and having drunk sex with strangers." He somehow looked even more wounded, hence Robin started laughing to ease the situation, which didn't help at all. "I don't have drunk sex with strangers", Steve declared peeved and she could tell by his intonation that he was more than pissed. "I know, I'm sorry, I didn't..." Find the right words, she thought to herself. "I was simply trying to explain that you and I have some very opposite ideas of what fun looks like..." Robin reached out with her hand to touch his arm apologetically but he drew back. "Don't bother, we're not friends", he said dryly. That was cold. He turned his back on her, fiddling with his Scoops Ahoy uniform, seemingly too distracted to notice her. Or any new people coming in. Not even Billy Hargrove, one of their daily and most unwanted customers. 

Billy Hargrove had come to the ice cream parlour almost every single day during the summer break. Robin didn't know him all too well since they had only been in one class together and they had never interacted. But she knew him by reputation. She knew about his tendencies to get into trouble, his aggressive behaviour towards certain people, his impulsive nature. The latter she had noticed in class, whenever someone contradicted him, Billy would have a hard time keeping his anger under wraps. Robin had heard all the nasty stories about the punching and the fighting in the schoolyard and she had heard girls whisper about the hot mess Billy Hargrove was as if they were too afraid to speak his name out loud. Nobody really knew why his family had moved to Hawkins or what issues were buried deep inside him but everyone agreed on one important thing: you did not mess with Billy Hargrove. Especially after everything that had happened between him and Steve last year. Most people didn't know the truth, they speculated or created their own version of the events. Some assumed their quarrel to be about a girl, others said it was simply rivalry-business getting out of hand, some morons claimed that there were drugs and other heavy substances involved but at the end of the day the talks had died out quickly. And all they had known for certain was that their beloved King Steve had gotten kicked in the ass and thus had to walk around school with a broken nose and horrible bruises for a month.

Robin recalled that day she had come past Steve in the hallway. He had been wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap to hide some of his injuries. He had kept his head low and had hurried to his locker like a fawn being hunted, trying not to draw attention to himself. Nonetheless, everyone had noticed of course but nobody had had the guts to walk up to him and ask if he was okay. Robin had kept her eyes on him the whole day, wondering, obsessing over what had happened. Three days after, the gossip had started making the round and eventually every single soul at Hawkins High had learned that Steve Harrington had made the mistake of crossing Billy Hargrove. Since then anyone being in their right mind had steered clear of Billy and his temper. However, they had avoided Steve as well, loathing their former king who hadn't been capable of defending himself, that's what they had said behind his back, they were mocking him for getting beaten up. That had been the first time Robin had felt real pity towards Steve. Mainly because she saw him suffering. He had lost his girlfriend, his reputation, his pretty face and somehow they all blamed him for it, laughed at him. And he didn't even bother to explain himself. She remembered how whacked he used to look back then, how broken and tired. He would sit there in class all stiff and unresponsive, staring blankly ahead, seemingly someplace else. Sometimes he'd start shivering all of a sudden or he'd rub his reddened eyes as if he was trying to wake up from the nightmare unfolding around him. Eventually, he'd gain his confidence back in spring and he'd start fooling around in class as he used to and all those idiotic hypocrites who had scorned him the past few months wanted to be friends with the amazing Steve Harrington again. And he'd let them, of course, because he was oblivious as always. Finally, Robin had been able to go back to disliking him, judging him, nearly forgetting that she ever felt sorry for him until summer break began.   
Robin was now indeed one of the few people who knew what had happened between Steve and Billy. She had met the group of kids Steve had been protecting during her third week at Scoops Ahoy when they stormed the parlour to use the back entrance to go see "The Goonies" or at least that's what they told Steve when he hesitated at first. Not because he didn't want to get caught and therefore get fired but because he didn't want them to sneak into an R-rated movie. After that, he had had some serious explaining to do so he had told her the full story about his mysterious fight with Billy Hargrove and the beginning of his rather unexpected friendship with a bunch of fifteen-year-olds.   
  
"Harrington", Billy purred calmly, approaching the desk with a wicked smile as always. His voice low and threatening. Robin turned around quickly just to see Steve freezing up next to her, his eyes filled with a sort of terror that really concerned her. His look didn't come as a surprise to Robin since it tended to appear whenever Billy Hargrove entered the Scoops Ahoy shop, which seemed to trigger something horrifying inside Steve. Something that scared the shit out of him, something he hadn't fully processed or coped with yet. He managed to put on a half-courteous smile, facing his former classmate. "What are you doing here", he asked politely, trying to make casual small talk, "aren't you... aren't you working at the..." Billy's lips curled with amusement. "Zip it, Harrington, I'm not here to pick a fight, I only want some ice cream, isn't that what you're hired for?" Robin cautiously took a few steps back, observing the two boys from a distance. Billy hadn't even given her the slightest of interest, his sight was entirely fixed on Steve. There was a deep and dark fascination, an almost desperate desire for his attention, Robin realised with amazement. Billy's eyes followed every little movement of Steve's, studying them, scanning them, as if he were ready to attack his rival at any given chance. At the same time, it was more than that. It was more than a competition, it was more than what had happened between them that night in November. It was more than hate or anger or fear. Robin couldn't quite name it yet, but she sensed some sort of swirling unresolved tension that would eventually erupt and end very badly. For both of them. "I'll have a scoop of peach ice cream and one scoop of strawberry for the lady over there." Billy triumphantly pointed at a pretty brunette who had followed him inside, and who was now standing around awkwardly in the middle of the shop, inspecting her red-coloured fingernails. Steve didn't even blink, but Robin could still feel his rigidity. "Here you go", he said coldly and uninterested, handing over the gelatos. Now Billy hesitated, still smiling maliciously licking his lips provokingly as he did so often when talking to Steve. "Keep the change, amigo." He practically threw the coins at his rival, walking away with a disgustingly self-righteous smile on his face. "Yea I don't need it, amigo", Steve yelled at him, his voice cracking. 

"You okay?" Robin wasn't sure what she had just observed. Though she had seen them interact like that before. At the very beginning of the summer vacation when Steve hadn't told her the truth about Billy Hargrove just yet and something quite similar had happened. Later he had confessed how terrified he was, how unpredictable and impetuous Billy could be and how they hadn't gotten into a fight since November, but it had to happen sooner or later. He had been utterly embarrassed about his fears and hadn't even been able to meet Robin's eyes when explaining the situation to her: Billy Hargrove was a ticking time bomb about to go off right into Steve's face. And he was scared to death of it. "You okay?", she repeated when Steve didn't respond, but instead just glared at Billy. "Yea, that shithead really wants to ruin everything I care about, huh?" Robin had to smile at that. "You care about this job?" Steve stared at her, confused until it clicked. "No, no, I meant... more like my life in general. He's honestly made it his mission to destroy it in any way possible." Scoffing, Steve watched Billy and his pretty date from afar. "That asshole has been everywhere lately, I can't even take the kids to the pool without him starting to argue with me." They were both studying Billy and his date, though Robin was more focused on the girl whereas Steve didn't take his eyes off his ex-classmate. The girl had a fragile figure but a determined look on her face. Her sparkling dark eyes contrasted with her hazelnut locks. When she smiled, decently showing her white teeth, Robin almost gasped. She was rather beautiful indeed. But apparently also taken. For now at least. Billy never brought with him the same girl twice.   
  
Steve was still ranting, going on and on about how Billy didn't have any right to ban him from the community pool for life simply because he accidentally dropped his trunks. "That was once, okay? ONCE. Sometimes accidents happen, right? And it wasn't even my fault, Dustin and Max-" Suddenly he ran out of breath. Robin didn't even notice, she was too busy hiding her disappointment when Billy and the comely brunette started making out aggressively right in front of them. She sighed, turned around to face a pretty bewildered Steve and shrugged. "I don't know, maybe you're just seeing things that aren't there." She followed his flustered gaze and found herself watching the two lovebirds being all over each other once more. Right now, she was more pissed at herself for looking at the bonny brunette like that. For allowing herself to lose control in public like that. For getting distracted like that, for simply being fascinated by someone's appearance without knowing anything about their personalities. She bit her lip, glumly, thinking of a name that might fit the girl. She looked like a Catherine or a Victoria or an Anne, some old, noble, royal sounding name at least. Eventually, Robin's thoughts drifted off, imagining the girl in a beautifully undulating emerald-green dress from the rococo period. Robin sighed at the idea. What a nice day-dream that was. 


	2. All Revved Up With No Place To Go

**Billy**

> "I was out on the prowl down by the edge of the track and like a son of a jackal
> 
> I’m a leader of the pack but every Saturday night I felt the fever grow,
> 
> Do you know what it’s like? All revved up with no place to go."

Billy could feel the rage rising up inside him as soon as he and Sophie had left Scoops Ahoy, heading towards the exit of Starcourt mall. He felt dizzy, exhausted but at the same time full of unwanted adrenalin. Above all, however, he felt the urge to punch someone, real hard. His frustration only grew stronger on their way out. Sophie bickering, going on and on about how wasted that "date" had been so far, wasn't helping either. She called it a date, he thought with disgust. In spite of the fact that she knew full well that this little act he pulled more often than he liked to admit was nothing more than a façade. Sophie was one of the few who were aware of the real reason. He usually didn't bother to let them in on his "secret" because he feared, they'd use it against him eventually. Girls were vicious creatures, he didn't want them to start gossiping around. Not again. But Sophie had been an old friend of his. And a good one, he could see that now. She had been the only resident in Hawkins he had known before moving there. Simply because her family liked to spend their holidays in the very same Inn near the beach of California every single year. And Billy had happened to work there as a lifeguard for a while, which was why he got the job in Hawkins easily. Even though he didn't much care for other people's safety. But he desperately needed the money. To get away from here. To get away from all the trouble he'd gotten into. To get away from those small-minded people, to get away from that school, to get away from...

He paused. Thinking of his father darkened his mood. Usually, Billy tried not to think about Neal. It was better this way. He'd rather avoid those thoughts than confront his fears. Ignoring his issues, pretending that everything was just fine, had always been his method of coping with all the shit that went down at home. Some might say that his decision was foolish, wrong and most importantly extremely unhealthy. But Billy didn't want to think about it. He simply... couldn't. Perhaps one day, when Neal would become a distant and vague memory that still haunted him occasionally but couldn't hurt him any longer. But not now. Sophie was still talking. More than anything he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she kept her stupid mouth shut. But he resisted the desire, kept the aggressive cascade of insults down before it could overwhelm him. He had tried to be better. He wasn't sure if anyone had noticed. Probably not, once people had a certain image of you they rarely stopped to adjust it later on. Billy's reputation hadn't changed so far, they still thought him to be a bully, a highly troubled kid: the nightmare of every adult who had to deal with him and his anger issues. As long as they left him alone, it didn't bother him. He did his homework, he showed up in class, he wasn't even a bad student, he was actually a pretty decent one but all that was overshadowed by the fact that he lashed out a bit too often for others not to notice.

He had been banned from school property more than once, he had been suspended for a week twice, which had earned him another nasty scar the first time - way too visible, above his right eye - from Neal. The second time he had pretended to go to school whilst spending his days smoking and drinking in the woods, angrily throwing beer cans at the trees around him. Despite the fact, that Billy had been beaten by his father ever since he could remember, he still made the same mistakes, hoping it would be different. After all, shouldn't a parent understand? But Neal wasn't the kind of parent who listened to their child, he was the kind of parent who never wanted to have children in the first place and reminded them of it every single day in case they had forgotten. Above all, he demanded complete submissiveness and at times gratefulness for being allowed to live under his roof. Billy didn't like being pushed into a corner, having to kneel before someone, practically begging this person too keep hurting him. More than once, he had thought about killing Neal. He wasn't proud of his fantasies, but he didn't feel much guilt either. It was the truth, in the end, it was how he felt, how he had always felt.

He and Sophie had reached the exit of Starcourt mall now. "I still don't get it", she said in her painfully squeaky voice. Billy rolled his eyes, turned towards her and forced himself to stay patient. Because if he messed it up with her, who else was there to watch out for him if he was in need of a friend? I don't need anyone, a soft voice inside him rebelled. "What don't you get?" She could probably very much catch his annoyance, but she ignored it, fortunately. "Why her? She's so weird with her drama-club and activism-stuff..." For a second, Billy was inclined to ask, what the hell Sophie was talking about, but then it clicked. Of course. She did indeed know the reason he had asked her to accompany him to Scoops Ahoy, but then again, she wasn't aware of the full story. Only partially. He didn't invite all those girls to go to the mall with him because he actually wanted to spend time with them. There had never been anything genuine or honest about his intentions. All he cared for, all he had tried to do ever since he had come to Hawkins... No, he then told himself, _that's_ not the reason, you know it isn't. Harrington had nothing to do with it. She probably thought, Billy went there to make some girl who played hard to get jealous when in reality... He sighed deeply, tensely, preparing himself to lie convincingly to Sophie. "You just... don't know her the way I do." It sounded dull and odd as if he was reciting some text that had been written hundreds of years ago and seemed to have lost it's meaning over the centuries. He tried again. "She's actually pretty fun to be around and well... she gets me." Too cheesy, too cheesy, he flushed wanting to punch someone again. But apparently it was enough for Sophie. "Uhuh, well, it ain't my business after all, am I right?" She winked and started chewing gum. He was grateful for her reaction, sometimes he could seriously appreciate her as a friend, though he didn't call anyone a friend in this town. Nor in any of the other towns he had previously lived in. "You gonna take me home now or do I have to call a cab?" He managed to come up with half a smile and started walking in the direction of his Camaro. He had the house to himself when he got home. Neal was working and Susan was running some errands. Max was probably off somewhere with her new mates. Billy scuffed at that thought, lighting a cigarette, strolling through the corridors. Their home didn't feel like anything warm or cosy, it didn't even feel like a house people lived in. There were no family photos, no portraits, no proof that the Hargrove-Mayfields were the owners of this property. Billy's room was the worst. He hated spending time in there, hated it more than any other part of the house. Which was one of the many reasons he stayed out late. Entering, the first thing one noticed was a wallpaper carelessly ripped out of a Playboy-Magazine hanging there, for everyone to look at or jerk off to. It didn't do anything for Billy, he didn't even bother to glance at it anymore. It was only there as a distraction. Same as his porn collection, placed very visibly in his top drawer so anyone who looked for it would find it immediately. Perhaps it was a bit too obvious, his attempt at convincing everyone how very masculine he was had become sort of ridiculous.

At first, he had brought home some girls to show off, then he had boasted excessively about his many wild rides with them afterwards at dinner, which resulted in another beating, for Neal didn't want Max to hear of such things. Nevertheless, he had bought it, at least partially. Later, Billy had started working out like a maniac, cracking beers with his "pals" - some random guys from basketball practice he had invited over form time to time, including Timmy or whatever his name was - in the living room, once again loudly bragging about his multiple female conquests, making sure his father was always present when he did. Maybe, just maybe Neal was finally getting over the incident that had happened last year in California. The reason, they had moved out here to this shithole of a town. The reason, Billy couldn't stand that stupid telltale of a step-sister of his. There had been numerous occasions in the past when Billy had feared for his life. But never had he ever been so terrified of his father like _that day_ back home. He still regarded California as his home, his real home, where he'd go back to as soon as he turned eighteen and had enough money to be living on his own. But sometimes, when he thought of that time, panic rose. He was terribly frightened, still. Frightened to take a wrong turn again, frightened to step out of line again, to feel what he had felt that day. With all that came a bitter and vile taste that made him want to puke his soul out.

It had happened a short few months after Neal and Susan had gotten married and she and Max had officially moved in with them. Billy had been working at the “Seastar-Resort” and he hadn’t been too fond of the idea of now having a sister to take care of. However, Neal had ordered him to show Max around, take her with him to the beach when he was working and keeping an eye on her. He had nothing against the redhead, initially, she could be a tad annoying, but she was _so_ young and they didn't have anything in common. So he did his step-brotherly duty, took her with him, even bought her a gelato and then saw her off gratefully when she wanted to go to a skating park nearby. Billy remembered only pieces of what had happened next, but it sure as hell hadn't been pretty. His chest started aching with hurt but also wrath whenever he thought of that day. Max had behaved so very idiotic afterwards, she had burst out in tears, weeping like the little kid she was. But then again, she hadn't been too little to understand the consequences of her actions. She had been old enough to get what havoc her words could wreak. But she had still done it. Neal never laid a finger on Max, obviously, he wouldn't dare. She wasn't _his_ to punish, she wasn't his daughter, so he had to be careful and that was another reason why Billy couldn't stand her. The incident and the following stuff he could eventually forgive her. Not now, but one day. But whenever Neal lost it, he took it out on his son. It didn't much matter if Billy had done anything, he paid for it nonetheless. When Max wasn't back on time, Billy had to bear it, when Max spent the night at her friends' house and didn't call, Billy had to bear it, when Max fell on her nose whilst skating, Billy had to bear it. Whatever she did, whatever she didn’t do or whatever she was involved in, it always reflected back on how Neal treated his son, since Billy was now responsible for his step-sister.

His thoughts trailed off to that cold day in November, when he was searching half of Hawkins for Max only to find her at some stranger's house with Steve fucking Harrington. Billy had beaten him senseless that night, thrashing that pretty boy's face like it was a punching bag. Completely out of it, one hit after the other, more force, more hate, more desperation. At that moment, it hadn't been Steve who lay beneath him, victim to Billy's anger, it had been his father, it had been his former boss telling him he wasn't good enough, it had been that asshole Carter van Hinterdorf from fifth grade calling him names, it had been every single one of them seemingly knowing better, every insult, every punch in the face, every broken nose, every tear he had shed for his sorry little ass. But most of all he had wanted to destroy that part of himself that had gotten him into so much trouble in the first place, that he had struggled with his whole goddamn life. So he took it out on Harrington. Not because he was conveniently there or because he tried to protect that Lucas kid from Billy's rage, but because Harrington had triggered something in him. Something he had thought to be dead at last, something that excited him, that reminded him of certain emotions he hadn't felt in a very long time. Harrington _was_ that part he had tried to suppress. Just as Harrington was part of the reason he couldn't restrain himself any longer.

Contrary to pretty much everyone’s belief, he had actually tried to make amends to Steve Harrington. He had tried apologising, which hadn’t worked of course. For one, Billy hadn’t even been able to look at his former teammate. Steve had quit the basketball team after Christmas break. He had switched back to swimming and as if he had wanted to add to Billy’s frustration on purpose, he had become insufferably well at it. For another, Steve hadn’t been able to look at him either. Every single time their paths had crossed, he had started blushing, shivering and fidgeting, seeking a way out like a trapped animal. His deep brown Bambi eyes filled with dread would widen as if he were about to be shot in the chest at any minute. Several times, Billy had stopped right in front of him, trying not to lose his patience, opening his mouth to say these three little damned words. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. Shame and guilt came over him. He hadn’t been able to apologise. Once again Billy could feel the vomit crawling up his throat. Hastily he stormed into the bathroom, coughing his fury and his frustration out. He despised himself. For having lost control like that. For hurting him like that. For not telling him the truth afterwards. He still couldn't look at himself in the mirror. It was too painful. Month after month had passed and Billy had grown so very tired and exhausted. His drinking had gotten out of hand. He had started using drugs on school nights and he had crashed his Camaro more than once. His sleeping-routine had become unhealthier than ever, yet somehow he had been able to at least keep up appearances at home and in class. The teachers weren’t a big fan of his but the grades were steady, though they could have been better. He had the brains, actually, he simply didn’t have the energy to put effort into anything school-related. He didn’t care. All he cared about was getting away from all this shit and suffering. To leave it all behind.

The main door got slammed open and he heard Max arrive. She was yelling at someone. Probably her “boyfriend” or whatever. Nowadays, Lucas would come over almost every single day. As if he wanted to further provoke Billy with his obnoxious presence. “Anyone home?” Max blurted out and he could tell the utter annoyance in her voice. He hadn’t realized that he had been sitting on the bathroom floor for the past fifteen minutes. His sudden nausea had faded but he still felt a bit dizzy. He sighed deeply, rose and slowly walked towards the living room. Lucas looked at him with a mixture of fear and disgust. Billy didn’t bother to say hello to this intruder. Max would come to her senses eventually. “Where have you been?” He asked, genuinely trying to make his voice sound neutral and casual. His little step-sister shrugged like she didn’t care at all and said: “Out.” She defiantly held up her chin. Ever since that night in November she had become increasingly pesky and snarky. Of course, Max had always been quick-witted and self-willed, but she used to show Billy at least some respect. Now, she behaved like the little self-absorbed snot she was, thinking she knew every goddamn thing in the whole wide world. Frustration rolled over him like a furious tidal wave and once again he tried to keep this sharp anger towards Max and her actions under wraps. Calming himself down. Counting to fifty. Thinking of Steve Harrington… No. He wasn’t gonna go there. He couldn’t. Not today. Not ever. Whenever Billy attempted to ease his mind, his thoughts eventually trailed off to a place, where Steve Harrington constantly seemed to hang out. That guy was like a neverending brain tumour. No matter how hard Billy tried _not_ to go there, he couldn’t help himself but wonder, what Harrington was doing this instant, what Harrington was thinking of, or more like _who_ Harrington was thinking of and if there was even the slightest chance, it could be him. Which didn’t _ever_ end well, of course, because that unhealthy spiral of anxious and desperate thoughts always resulted in the complete opposite of a calm mind. Either anger, frustration, fear or sadness took over. Usually a rather horrible combination of all of them. Today, Billy had already failed to talk to Harrington like a normal human being, thus he wasn’t necessarily in the mood for the whole “fantasizing about Steve Harrington and his pretty face all day long and getting drunk in the evening to drown out the pain” routine. But then again, he was probably gonna do exactly _that_. What else was there to do in this shitty town?

“Lucas is staying for dinner” Max announced after fidgeting around for a few minutes. Ah, here’s the tea, Billy thought, she was going to introduce Lucas to _the family_. “I won’t be here”, he replied with a shrug, already thinking of an excuse to skip the evening meal. Max hesitated, maybe she wasn’t so sure what to say next. “Okay” was all she managed. Billy lifted his eyebrows, studying her expression. He couldn’t read her. In fact, he had never been able to read her. Ironically, Max was quite good at reading him on the other hand. She seemed relieved to be informed of his absence tonight. It was always easier for her and Lucas when Billy wasn’t around. At least that’s what he assumed. Truthfully, it was probably easier for everyone when Billy wasn’t around. “So we’re planning a surprise party” she declared. Lucas nodded and said: “Dustin’s gonna be home tomorrow.” Billy frowned, unsure for a second what they expected to hear. Did they want to chitchat with him? Perhaps Max didn’t know any other way to initiate a conversation with her step-brother. And to be fair, Billy wouldn’t know any other way to communicate with her either. “So?” His step-sister rolled her eyes. “So? We’re all glad to see him again.” “Okay.” Max narrowed her eyes, scouring his face for _something_. Billy looked away quickly. He had tried to be nice to her. Or at least nicer than before. He couldn’t deny that ever since that night in November, where she had gone completely nuts, almost emasculating him with a nailed bat, he more or less _respected_ her. To some degree, at least. She had balls and she was tough, he couldn’t argue against that. But he still wanted to make her pay at times. Make her pay for the damage she had caused with her stupidity. Make her pay for the suffering he had endured. The suffering he had endured his entire life due to that teeny tiny part he had buried deep down inside him. That teeny tiny part still not dead, but glowing weakly a spark, he thought he had extinguished after California. Until Steve Harrington had come along and had fed that dying flame with a ton of fucking gasoline. “Listen,” he told Max, “I gotta go to work now.” He didn’t, actually. He never worked on Wednesdays. But his step-sister didn’t know that. Besides, he couldn’t bear to stay in this house for another second. Instead, he would just leave and drive around for a while, trying to clear his mind. He felt another terrible headache coming – he suffered from those frequently – and he couldn’t wait for his evening drinking routine to begin. Numbing both his physical and his psychological pain with alcoholic beverages had worked quite well so far, even though Billy was aware of the fact that he should probably try to work on his issues rather than repress them repeatedly and refusing to end this abusive cycle he was trapped in once and for all. _I feel the fever grow_ , he thought, _do you know what it’s like, all revved up with no place to go?_ He left the living room with a pounding head, feeling sick to his stomach. Relief swept over him as soon as he had reached his Camaro. “It’s you and me, baby,” he told the car earnestly when he sat behind the steering wheel and he drove off into the unknown.


End file.
